Important Warning

[sniper]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs,
parties & local pubs to be   alert and stay cautious
when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly   what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that   "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out
of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as:
"a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the   unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment   referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after
beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please!
Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,   there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up
"Golf Courses" in the phone book.
 

[kiwi]

  Whaaaaatttttt ?? 

[Silver Bullet]

[sniper]

LMAO

[kiwi]

[kiwi]

[sniper]

 

[sniper]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

[sniper]

Company Policy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
 1. It's an incentive to show up.
 2. It reduces stress.
 3. It leads to more honest communications.
 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 8. It encourages carpooling.
 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

[sniper]

Happy Dieting

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.
FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" When you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting. 

[sniper]

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

[kiwi]

 

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

Oh god YES!

[sniper]

Beer Warning Labels

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at
4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause
pregnancy.
 


 

[sniper]

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

[sniper]

SAD BUT TRUE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK
I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.
HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM
WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.

HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP
AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.
I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED
WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.

HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE
I COULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.
HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF
I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.

THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE
SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY
THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.

[sniper]

One Day While Scaffolding

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

[sniper]

WORK Virus!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!

[Silver Bullet]

I swear to beer, I did not drink God!

Said the drunk driver to the police officer. And then he threw up. 

[Silver Bullet]

[sniper]

 

[kiwi]

What a  dickhead lol

[Husar]

It says, in Serbian:

"I WENT OUT TONIGHT !
If I gent drunk like the earth,
glue this paper on my forefront
AND SEND ME HOME
NAME:
ADRESS:
Do not knock on the door, just ring the bell
and run as long as your legs can carry you !"

(and on the side is written: "act with care_BREAKABLE")

 

[sniper]

 

[kiwi]

LOL 

[kiwi]